“10 Things I Hate About You (Internet Addition)”

25Jan09
  1. I hate the way your links open in a new window. I understand why you do it, and I’m flattered you hold me in such high regard that you don’t want to see me navigate away from your site, but really: I know how to use command+click, and sooner rather than later the flattery wears off and I just find your desperation annoying.
  2. I hate the way you truncate your RSS feed. Sure, it’s annoying, but it’s also just bad business: here’s a tool that’s a guaranteed goldmine for user loyalty and you’re botching it. If all you’re willing to give me is a five sentence abstract I’m not even going to bother subscribing to your feed, making it that much less likely that I’m going to find some content of interest that I want to email to a friend and do the hard work of growing your user base for you.
  3. I hate the way you publish or blog without comments or an email address or any other way of contacting you. It’s poor form. I indulge your need to have an audience you can kvetch to about your family or your cat or whatever the case may be; you should at least indulge the possibility that I might one day want to commiserate in the kvetching.
  4. I hate the way you cultivate your own redundancy. I’m your friend on Facebook, I follow you on Twitter, I read your Tumblr, I’m your Flickr contact and a friend on Last.fm—why do you make me see your photostream in two places, your music stats on your blog, and your tweets on Twitter, on Tumblr, and on Facebook? You willingly become the stuff of a Rochefoucauld quote: “Why can we remember the tiniest detail that has happened to us, and not remember how many times we have told it to the same person?”
  5. I hate the way you break up your content over multiple pages. You’re not fooling anybody: you’re not saving bandwidth or trying to make your site more usable, you’re just all too transparently beholden to your advertisers and trying to generate more page views. And with the New York Times about to run out of money I can imagine reading their site will shortly become some perversion ofTelescopic Text.
  6. I hate your Flash intro. Really, I do. Even if it was directed by Fritz Lang and starred Audrey Hepburn and Heath Ledger I’d still click past it—that is, if you were thoughtful enough to provide such a link.
  7. I hate the way your company hears “web 2.0” and thinks “new marketing opportunity.” So you’ve got a Facebook group and a MySpace page and a Twitter account, but have you taken the time to learn about these communities and how to engage with other members and enrich the service in some way or are you just hanging around to hear the sound of your own voice (and hope others do, too)?
  8. I hate the way you duplicate existing content or services. If you can’t invent, innovate. If you can’t innovate, leave it to someone else.
  9. I hate the way you confuse frequency with relevance. If you’ve only got one thing to say, then say it—I promise I’m not going to forget about you if you don’t post ten times a day. This is the internet; you don’t have column inches to fill or twenty-four hours of news programming to generate. And I really don’t need to hear your nonsensical opining about the scant evidence that might suggest the remote possibility that the President-elect is chafing under all the media attention.
  10. I hate your SEO. Did that passing mention of Britney Spears actually contribute anything substantive to your lead or are you just trolling for search results?

Haaaaa- exactly. Via Matt Langer.

-Amanda Mooney

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